In search of improving my allyship

So, I'm amazed at how much hate there is in the world, and the need for some to force it on others.
I've been following the reaction of Leelah Alcorn's suicide. And the need for some from the religious right to seek out queer safe spaces and spew their hatred astounds me.
Or the comments on an article in B*tch magazine on how transgender and gender non-conforming teens interact with fashion. And the first comment is one bemoaning the fact that it isn't an article about women-born-women.
I know why the different opinions literally can't see the reason of the other opinions. And I'm not saying I could bridge that gap (I'm far too emotional to present a rational discussion in terms both sides would understand).
What I'm amazed by is the need for one group to seek out and attack the safe spaces of the minority group. Feminists picking on transgender teens. Christians picking on feminists. Christians picking on queer allies. It breaks my heart, and angers me at the same time.
I wish there was more I could do to protect these trans* teens from the ugliness of the world, but I don't feel qualified. I'm not trans*, and I don't want my presence to be seen as appropriating or invalidating trans* spaces. And there's the rub. I've read up on the issue enough through researching my own gender identity issues to know that safe spaces are invaluable, and while trans* folks need allies, it's not my place to speak for them or act for them.
So where is the balance? How do I not invalidate or appropriate while offering support?

Observation of the day

A few weeks ago I painted my nails a beautiful dark sparkly blue colour. And it drove me nuts. Every time I caught sight of my nails, it irritated me. My hands weren't my own.

Right now it is Movember- a month where men grow mustaches to raise awareness and funds for prostate cancer. I don't have the genetics to grow a mustache, so I'm improvising: I'm wearing a fake mustache every day this month to support our company team. And when I catch my reflection in the mirror, it doesn't faze me.

I know it can be argued (and has been) that nail polish is not just for girls, and facial hair is not just for men. But these things are still predominantly perceived as "gender indicators" to society at large: you know, the things that trumpet to the world around you what your gender is. 

And my dysphoria rears it's head when I see nail polish, but not a mustache on myself.

Standards

I grew up socialized to be female. I was incredibly uncomfortable with this. Sure, I enjoyed playing dress up and wearing skirts and make up, but every once in a while I also wanted a nice suit, and I was never interested in playing with dolls or playing house. I'd rather be out in the mud playing with trucks. Let me tell you, there was hell to pay when I first shaved my head, as "Girls are supposed to have long hair." And then when my high school sweetheart dumped me, I got the "well, what do you expect? Boys want girls who act like girls." Fast forward a few years, when I've moved out and am going to college. Dating different girls, and one dumps me for not being "femme" enough. What the heck? Even in the lesbian community, there are rules and standards for how "girly" I'm supposed to be?

Why are there so many rules about what makes a "real" woman, or a "real" man?

And how do we establish these rules? WHY do we establish them?

Everyone likes to blame "society" and "culture" while thinking that this takes the blame off of them personally. Everyone is the victim, no one is the perpetrator. But then- who makes up society? Who determines culture? Doesn't everyone contribute, as well as suffer from it?

Quite recently, I've had two friends have children. These friends don't know each other, and their children were born within weeks of each other. One had a boy. One had a girl. It's AMAZING the differences I see in my Facebook news feed for how they describe their children. It starts right on the first day when they announced their "beautiful baby girl" or "strong baby boy." You can't even find baby socks that don't have SOME indication of gender inferred on them, such as princesses and butterflies, and dinosaurs and monster trucks. Really? Even our socks need to reinforce gender stereotypes.

A few years ago while taking a Gender Studies course, I watched the documentary Tough Guise. I have to say, for me at the time, it was extremely eye opening. Because of my socialization as a female, I knew all of the ways which femininity was crammed down my throat regardless of how well it fit. I had never considered it was just as bad for boys. I saw this before I even could even begin to formulate the possibility of being transgender. Once I realized that "the other side" (if you buy into the binary gender-system hooey) has just as many pressures to be who they aren't, I began to wish for a space outside. Where neither label exists. Where I don't need to live up to what it takes to be a "real man" or a "real woman."

Next time you greet a baby, consider how your words, and even your tone of voice, are reinforcing to this child what is and isn't acceptable. Consider the many ways you reinforce that girls are "beautiful" "soft" and "a princess" and that boys are "strong" "brave" and the "knight." You might be surprised at just how much you contribute to the many unrealistic expectations put on both men and women.

Intersections

A few weeks ago my spouse and I were interviewed for a local newspaper.

Full story HERE

As you can see, this article has absolutely nothing to do with gender. It's focused on one aspect of our lives: our toy collection.

The reporter was very polite (although clearly out of his element when talking to giant toy nerds), and we spent a lovely hour or so chatting with him about our collections, and why we collect. He took a few photos, thanked us for our time, and left.

During it all, I wanted to politely ask him to write the article in such a way that used gender neutral language for me. Somehow, throughout the entire process of geeking out over toys, all I could think about was that this public snippet of my life was about to go out into the world, and I KNEW there would be female pronouns used. That knowledge actually caused me quite a bit of stress and internal turmoil.

I never did work up the courage to ask him. After all, that wasn't the can of worms he was here to talk to me about, was it? And did I really want to out myself to this complete stranger? How on earth would I explain it to him? And I live in one of the more progressive cities in the world. Our local university recently renovated to have gender neutral washrooms available for crying out loud, and weathered the controversy and conversations around it very well.

But you see, my gender isn't compartmentalized, that it only affects certain aspects of who I am. And I'm betting your gender isn't either. It's not a part of who I am, it is a foundational block for who I am.

 My gender runs through my entire life, intersecting with every other aspect of it.

Not enough

Pin available on Etsy

I don't identify as trans*. I'm not transitioning any more or less than any other human in this world who grows, evolves, changes, and learns throughout their life. And yet, this has made me feel as though my voice is irrelevant when it comes to discussions on gender identity. After all, I'm biologically female, I still accept female pronouns because I'm not up for dealing with the hassle of convincing everyone to use gender neutral ones for me, and I'm not looking into hormone treatment or surgeries. They aren't the path for me. So I'm basically a girl, right? I mean, I can still access all of the privilege that comes with being perceived as the gender I was assigned at birth, and in trans* communities, I'm often regarded as not trans* enough.

Yet recently, as I've been browsing the blogosphere, I've noticed something missing. I follow a lot of blogs for transgender and gender variant individuals or their family. And yet out of all the ones I come across and read, every single one that deals with gender identity issues is the perspective of someone who is medically and/or socially transitioning in some way shape or form within the binary as a way to reach a more gender-neutral, or truly binary transgender life. There was a great post on Neutrois Nonsense recently which really hit home for me, and the comments made by readers really opened my eyes to something.

What about those of us who identify as genderqueer, and yet aren't taking any medical or social steps to change our gender? Where is our voice in this great big world? I commented on that blog post that there aren't many voices out there for those of us who don't identify within the binary, and yet are content living our life as is. I found it to be a big challenge to know that of all the many gender-variant blogs and websites I browse, I only rarely get a quick glimpse of others in the same boat as myself on Genderfork.

Ok, this blog has pretty much dropped off of my radar since I wrapped up my 365 project. I didn't know what else to say, and really, I'm not very good at updating regularly. I think that became pretty clear during the 365 itself. But I think I've found this blog's purpose. The reason there aren't that many blogs or narratives out there for the gender variant folks like me is because none of us have spoken up. It's just as much my fault as it is everyone else's. I can't lay the blame on everyone else's feet without getting mud on my own shoes.

Genderfree #4

Well folks, another week has gone by (where did it go, by the way?), so I guess it's time for another



For some reason our culture is obsessed with body hair. Where it's acceptable, and where it isn't. It's also obsessed with the fact that how you remove that hair must conform with your gender (because each gender is required to groom different areas in order to be accepted).

So for this week, I challenge you to find me gender neutral razor. You know, something you can shave with- be it your face, your legs, your pits... doesn't matter.



Genderfree Challenge Week 2

When I originally posted the idea of a "gender free challenge," my goal was to challenge those who identify comfortably within the binary to take five minutes out of their day and live in my (and many other non-binary types) shoes. It was to help raise awareness of how many needlessly gendered items there are out there in society. But as this grew through Neutrois Nonsense's Tumblr, it got me thinking of how valuable of a resource this could become for other gender variant folks. Know of a brand of gender free adult vitamins? Great! Share it with the community! Know a store that has gender free adult vitamins available for sale? Great! Let the rest of us know, so we may shop there also.

And so, regardless of how you identify, I issue this week's Challenge!

This week, I challenge you to find a package of baby socks that is not labelled as "boys" or "girls." It's true that you can find packs with "neutral" colours in them (greens, yellows, etc), but even those generally tend to state on the tag that they are for boys or girls.



As with every challenge, I encourage you to come back and let me know how it was. Were you able to easily find them? If so, what store were you in? Tell me- what will you do if you ever hope to buy baby socks before the baby is born? Let's hope everyone tells you the gender as soon as they find out from an ultrasound!!! REALLY????? Speaking from personal experience, I think it's ridiculous, which is why a pack of baby socks is this week's Gender Free challenge!

A Time and a Place

Lately I've been seeing things which upset- sometimes even anger me. Innocent comments which make me want to lash out with a snide comment trying to teach the original poster a lesson. Now, I know (sadly from experience) that this method actually solves nothing.

But I do need to vent a little and get some things off of my chest (Even though I'm sure I've said all of this before).

I tend to go through this any time someone announces that they're pregnant. Instantly people start asking/discussing the baby's "gender." There's reasons why this frustrates me so:

1. Gender and Sex are different. Gender is a complex sociological, psychological identity, and Sex is what biology assigns to you. Neither is binary, and the two are NOT intrinsically linked (although the vast majority of the population gets the privilege of having the two sync up).
 
2. Why is that the most important part of having a baby? Shouldn't we be more intrigued by the baby's health? Every baby has a meat shape, and every meat shape is different, and that early in life the meat shape is developing so rapidly and changing so rapidly that WHAT DOES IT MATTER????

What's making this strike home for me so soundly, is that the comment which instigated this was a "friend's" Facebook status. I'm generally pretty picky about who I accept a Facebook friendship with, but lately I've been seeing a lot of comments and posts which go to show me just how ignorant people are. It's not always in relation to Gender Politics, sometimes it's just Politics in general, or Religion... and what I'm struggling with is this:

Do I stay "friends" with these people, knowing their Facebook updates generally do nothing but infuriate me? Generally the people making these comments I only ever talk to on Facebook, so "unfriending" them would be essentially cutting them out of my life completely. Some are family, some are simply childhood friends where we've grown apart...

Ok, after all of that venting, I know the answer. Pick your battles. And the internet is not the proper place for it. I don't want to turn into this person:

Word to the Wise

I just really like this poster I found online.

IDAHO and the Invisible Queer

This past Thursday was IDAHO: International Day Against HOmophobia and Transphobia. The Transphobia part was kind of just stuck on there as an after thought, as it so often seems to be. It doesn't *quite* fit into the nice acronym, does it?

As I dressed for work that morning, I got thinking: What can I wear today to show my queer support and queerness? I've recently started a new position at work, and dress and deportment calls for business casual, and I'm already dressing quite androgynous. I have a few blatantly queer t-shirts, but t-shirts are inappropriate for work, so they're hidden under buttoned-up collared shirts. BORING!!! So I wore what I always wore, and left for work hoping to see some spark in the day of Queer Support.

I spent all day watching, and saw nothing. At which time I realized, I am the Invisible Queer. While I may not be specifically closeted, I'm also not out. How did this happen? I used to be quite militant about my orientation, but now that I accept my gender as queer, I've once again become invisible. I've spent the past few days considering this, and it turns out I'm a big chicken.

I'll fully own my priviledges for this one: I'm white, which gives me a definite advantage in Canada (despite what the "officials" say), and I'm relatively well off. It's taken me a long time to accept I'm fairly well off, but after buying a house and realizing all the bills can be covered off of one income, and my spouse's income simply provides food and pays for the renovations, well- we're doing pretty well. I've come a long way in the past 10 years, financially speaking. And lastly, my relationship is hetero-conforming. I'm FAAB, and my spouse is male. He's one of those rare CIS men who actually cares about social issues. I still have a difficult time accepting him for how awesome he is, but he reassures me he accepts and loves me for how flawed I am.

And so, I'm a big giant chicken. I know I've got life pretty easy. I've recently read a GREAT blog post about how to explain priviledge to those who have it: All in terms of Video Game settings, and realized that while I may not be at the TOP of the Easy Settings, I'm pretty damn close. So at this stage of the game, why rock the boat? Why try to make life for myself (and now my Husband, since he's partnered in to my crazy life) more difficult? Is it wrong of me to get wrapped up in our home renovations and projects at work and this great book I'm reading and simply live my life without needing to constantly defend or explain my queer status, because I'm too afraid to make any sort of issue out of it?

But then the guilt kicks in. I read blogs such as Tranarchism by Asher which this past month has shared post after post after post showing just how priviledged I am. And for no other reason than a fluke of my birth and a bit of invisibility. And Theirs is not the only blog which reminds me of this (although it is the most unapologetic and militant of the ones I read).

So I live with this guilt feeling not queer enough. I'm not prepared to embark on surgery or hormone treatment, because after researching and considering it, at this time I know it's not a part of my identity. I don't want/need it. Ok: Top surgery would be kinda cool, but I'm content with binding. While I feel dysphoric in my own body, I can't justify drastic measures such as surgery or hormones at this time. And so I feel not Trans enough to try to claim this little section of community. I'm FAAB, married to a MAAB CIS man, so I'm not "queer" enough to claim the Gay/Lesbian/Queer section of the community. I feel an outcast looking in, as I don't have the courage to make such drastic changes to this body that doesn't quite fit me, nor do I have the courage to try explaining my gender and coming out at work.

I'm the Invisible Queer, perhaps better fit in the "Ally" category, but knowing that's not quite right either.

Pronouns

I find it incredibly strange how much emphasis our society puts on gender. Specifically on which of the two gender boxes you fit in. Even when shopping, there are "men's clothing," and "women's clothing," but never just clothes. Does the cotton t-shirt self combust if worn on the wrong person? Do the pants suddenly disintegrate if the crotch they conceal is "wrong"?

Sure, some could argue that men and women are shaped differently. Women have boobs, men have pecs, etc; but is that always true? I know a few women who have absolutely no breasts, and a few men who do.  Really, this goes back to my earlier discussion an meat shapes. Everyone's meat shape is different.

Even our language is structured to reflect two and only two gender options (I found learning French to be even worse, as they blatantly gender-ize all objects into masculine and feminine for no good reason I can see). If you're worth discussing in English as a person, the pronoun options are he, she, and it. I personally don't find any of those options appealing. He and she just plain don't fit, and it is so demeaning and de-humanizing. And so the dilemma: do I stick with she (as the one I've heard all of my life) or do I try to find/create something more suitable.

Years of reading on the internet (thank god for technology), and I found myself learning that I am not alone. There are others like me who don't like the two accepted gender options. And they have a secret code of gender neutral pronouns. The problem is, they truly are a secret code: Xe, Xir, and an assortment of others which need constant explanation and defense in the real world. Sure, most genderqueer communities recognize them, but my day to day life isn't in a genderqueer community, and I really do not feel like trying to educate everyone at work. I just want to be treated equal, with no fuss made about my neutrois identity. I feel no need to explain myself to everyone I interact with.

I've always been drawn to the "singular they," but the language nerd in me rebels at that idea. They is not singular, and I am not multiple people. I need singular pronouns which reflect my gender neutral identity.

And then I found them. It was like a shockwave to the system. There is a movement to take they/their/them, and re-conjugate to make them singular. In walks ey, eir, and em into my life. And I was blown away. Finally I have found pronouns which I can identify with both in the gendered sense, and in. The fact that I'm an individual.

While I still feel no urge to explain myself to everyone I interact with, I would appreciate if here, on my little corner of the web, my identity is respected and proper pronouns used. If you know me in real life, and you choose to carry this into the real world as well, you will probably become one of my favourite people.

Taking this small step of publicly announcing it makes me giddy with excitement and nervous energy.

Wonder Woman

The ultimate Gender Blend!

Photo taken 11 September 2011

Science and Gender (and gender transitioning)

Recently I read an article on how scientists are finding differences in the brain formations of transgendered people. While this type of research is important for scientifically legitimizing the plight of transgendered folks everywhere, it left me a little bit afraid. Why would I fear? This supports what folks have said for years- sometimes a man is simply born into a woman's body, and a woman is born into a man's body. Now there is proof that their brains are actually that of their genetic counterparts. Nothing for me to fear there. And yet... I am afraid. Or at the very least I am wary.

My fear is that this will segregate the transgender community into further and futher categories. Currently someone wishing to transition needs to PROVE to medical professionals that they really do need surgery by living as the other gender for a time, and often they need to be hyper-masculin to become a man, or hyper-feminin to become a female. This trend is beginning to change, and some doctors will do the surgery so long as it is informed consent on the patient's part. This new system allows for gender variants of all types to access surgery to help their body be more comfortable for them (as long as they have the money to pay for the surgery- I will admit my rant is biased regarding class stature). I'm afraid that this swing towards informed consent as opposed to "prove it to me," will move backwards, not forwards.

In the article there is a footnote for "late onset transexuality," and it outlines that only 38% of transgender folks KNOW by age 5 that they are in the wrong body, but just because this article does have the disclaimers that it doesn't 100% solve the problem, that doesn't mean that more bigotry won't happen because you can't prove you're *trans enough* to the doctor. All because of a brain scan.

And people like myself, who live in the grey areas of gender, playing with both masculin and feminin and blending them and knowing myself to be neutrois (hurrah for learning a new word) have little hope of "fitting in" with yet another cleavage line to divide us. This article, and the entire concept of this brain scan, seems to support the notion that there are only the two genders in this world: male and female. I know this to not be the case.

I know gender is real. And I do NOT want to diminish access for those who truly are male or female from access to services to help them match their bodies to their brains. I just hope that a move for them doesn't put everyone else back.

Neutrois?

I've learned a new word: NEUTROIS. It makes me happy.

Photo taken 9 August 2011

The Other Side of Gender Schmender

Photo taken 22 July 2011

So, after doing these 2 photos, I had a gender WIN moment, and a gender LOSE moment, both with online registration for stuff.

The good news goes to Google+. A friend invited me to it, so I'm testing it out. Too early to tell if I like it or not, but I was quite pumped that when creating your online profile, when it asked to select gender I was given 3 options: male, female, and OTHER!!! What a breath of fresh air that was!!! I know in the earlier days of facebook, back when I joined, you weren't forced into choosing a gender, so I never have, but I've heard that they've since changed that. So- cheers to a social networking site that is trying to recognize that gender is not an either/or category!!

The bad news goes to Chapters/Indigo books. I love books. I buy books often. Since I got my eBook reader, I've bought fewer paper books, so my Chapters discount card has since expired. If you're a book lover, you know the one I'm talking about: you pay an annual fee and get coupons and a percentage discount off of everything. It seems they've changed their rewards program to offer a 2-tiered reward system. They jacked up the price of the annual fees for the card in order to get the discounts in-store and online, plus they now offer reward points. Then they added a second free card which offers a smaller percentage discount online only, but the same points rewards.

I've never been a big fan of points rewards cards. They're marketing surveys badly disguised at an attempt to buy your loyalty with outrageous points redemption prices.

In filling in the online stuff for the free card (hey- a discount on books is more money in my mortgage fund), they told me I HAD to choose a gender (M/F) and input my age (D/M/Y). They did have a "why do we need this" box next to it, so I clicked it. Apparently they need my gender (which their options don't allow for my gender) and age so that they can customize their advertising to my interests.

WTF?????

How the heck does my age and gender relate to what I like to read about? I like to READ. STUFF. End of story. I can't even begin to categorize my library, as I have so many genres that really I think it transcends the bits between my legs and the number of days since I evacuated the womb.

My sad confession? I did break down and select my age and the biological gender (it's habit to always select F, but one of these days I'll break and select M.... neither one is true so why not mix it up a bit?). All for a 5% savings on some books.

Stand Up

Gender Schmender. I wish I had darker leg hair for this pic.

Photo taken 21 July 2011

That Little Space Between

I've been having a problem lately. And I'm not sure how to approach it.

It's no secret that I question gender roles. Or that I'd actually prefer greatly to do without them. And yet I know that society only accepts the two. I live in an "either/or" world, and what I'd prefer is an "either, or, both, neither, all of the above, and none of the above," all on the same day. And yet this "either/or" mentality seems to be shoved into my face more and more frequently, in completely innocent ways.
My brother and his wife had a baby close to a year ago. Do you know how difficult it is to find gender-neutral wrapping paper for a baby gift? Everything screams "It's a Boy," or "It's a Girl," and for some reason I'm completely offended by that.

Friends of ours are about to have a baby. We went to buy them baby socks before the baby was born, and were looking at socks for the first few years of Baby's life. Again- do you know how difficult it is to find gender-neutral multi-packs of baby socks? And it wasn't that we were specifically trying to avoid gender-fying the baby, it's that it hadn't been born yet and so we just don't know.

When asked if they knew yet if it was a boy or a girl, their response is "No, but it's a 50/50 chance, right?"

Wrong. Intersex children happen far more frequently than society likes to admit. And do you know what happens? Most often Dr's will decide the baby needs cosmetic surgery to "normalize" the baby's genetalia because the appearance is offensive. But that's an entirely different rant, and not my life. This isn't some big confession that I'm intersexed, although those brave enough to have shared their stories publicly have inspired me with their courage, while at the same time I'm angered and saddened by what they endured as children.

Besides the biology, there are also those of us who don't fit into the body we were born with. Some are lucky enough that they can switch sides and feel more comfortable after surgery and hormone treatment. I say lucky, but I in no way shape or form wish to diminish their struggle. This, again, is not my life. While I know with 100% certainty that I do not fit with the biology I was born with, I also know that a complete switch to the other accepted gender wouldn't fit me any better.

So what do I do? I stay as I am, with my queerness invisible. There are no accepted pronouns for the inbetween and others (sure, there is a movement to adopt some, but quite frankly I don't feel up to constantly explaining to those around me what the hell "ze/zir" means). Medical science accepts a shift from one to the other- in support of continuing the "either/or" world, and yet I would love to change some aspects of my body while leaving others in tact. Unfortunately medical professions think if you don't want to take a Gender Transition all the way, don't start it at all.

I live with frustration, feeling betrayed by my body daily. I live feeling uncomfortable with being invited to things such as "girl's nights" and baby showers and using public washrooms, as I feel a fraud, as though I'm accepting that I'm actually a girl. And yet, if I wasn't invited, I'd feel hurt and betrayed, as though my friends are pulling away from me, because let's face it, I'm a girl SOMETIMES. Really I'd just prefer if everything were inclusive events, instead of exclusive.

THIS BLOG ENTRY is one of the best I've ever come across. It's inspiring for me to read more from others who feel the way I do. His other articles, particularly this one are also quite thought provoking.

There is also Genderfork, with it's regularly encouraging tid-bits and thoughts, reminding me I'm not the only one to feel this way.

There is no solution. There is no magic quick fix. There simply is learning and living daily.

I began this blog as an outlet for my 365 project, as a way to explore aspects of my personality as well as document my life with a photo a day for a year. When I began, I had all of these ideas for gender questioning photos. And yet as I continue with the project, I find I don't question my gender. I'm not confused by it. Sure, I'm frustrated by being pigeon holed into it, but I know who I am. And so my photos are simply me, being me, doing what I do and trying to make interesting pictures out of the random thoughts in my brain. I'm continuing with the project, and I don't expect any solutions from this one rant- this was simply a way to get a few things off of my binder-encased chest.

Schrödinger’s Gender

Saw what is probably my new favouritest quote the other day...

"I exist in a superposition of gender; it is only by interaction with an outside observer that I settle into some semblance of male or female." Seen on genderfork.

Still taking my pics, but as I'm not at my "home" computer (and am paying an arm and a leg for hotel internet access), I still won't be uploading anything until I return to Victoria. Just a few more days!

True of False?

Constrained

Today's pic was TOTALLY inspired by another pic I've seen, Horizontale, seen below.

I've adapted mine a bit... as you can see... but the image gave me an incredible feeling of being constrained by gender... tied to it... and the grotesque lengths it drives people to.