Genderless Challenge #1

Once again a post on Facebook has inspired me to dust off my laptop and write in my blog. And my little brain being what it is has completely exploded with the possibilities. So I would like to issue a challenge to all of my Binary-identified friends (you comfortably fit into MALE or FEMALE), in an effort for you to get a glimmer into what it's like to not have that luxury. And as my brain has a tendency to "go big or go home," this will be the first in a series of "Non-gendered" challenges (until I run out of ideas basically).

If you identify in the non-binary spectrum, I encourage you to issue this same challenge to your friends and family.

So for this week:

When you're out picking up groceries (or at WalMart running errands), take an extra 5 minutes of your time for me. Head into the Vitamin aisle, and find yourself some non-gendered, age appropriate multi-vitamins. See how easy (or not) it is. How many options do you find?

Let me know how that turns out for you. And be sure to come back for next week's Genderless Challenge.

TV will be the death of me

I'm trying an experiment. I'm not sure how long this is going to last, or how well it's going to go.

I've realized how much time I spend sitting and watching TV. And that once I sit down to watch, I can't seem to find the willpower to stop. Part of me wants to cut our cable off altogether (save money AND free up my time), but my Hubby loves TV and is reasonable about his time with it. Somehow when he sits down to watch some TV with his lunch, he still finds the willpower to go back and spend another few hours on whatever project he was working on. Sadly, I am too lazy for that.

So I'm trying an experiment. I will not turn on the TV. And if Hubby is not in the room, I'm trying to find the willpower to turn off the TV too (he'll sit down to watch something, then leave the room leaving the TV on). We'll see if I can actually get more accomplished. I have a stack of books I've been meaning to read, and an art project I've been trying to work on, not to mention just basic housework chores. Oh, and then there's all the extra stuff I'm trying to do for work (new job is kicking the crap outta me).

I'm not killing my TV, but I'm certainly trying to ignore it. So please, ask me how it's going. Help me stay on track by asking where I'm at on all of the aforementioned projects. Maybe, just maybe I can get myself out of this lazy rut.

A Time and a Place

Lately I've been seeing things which upset- sometimes even anger me. Innocent comments which make me want to lash out with a snide comment trying to teach the original poster a lesson. Now, I know (sadly from experience) that this method actually solves nothing.

But I do need to vent a little and get some things off of my chest (Even though I'm sure I've said all of this before).

I tend to go through this any time someone announces that they're pregnant. Instantly people start asking/discussing the baby's "gender." There's reasons why this frustrates me so:

1. Gender and Sex are different. Gender is a complex sociological, psychological identity, and Sex is what biology assigns to you. Neither is binary, and the two are NOT intrinsically linked (although the vast majority of the population gets the privilege of having the two sync up).
 
2. Why is that the most important part of having a baby? Shouldn't we be more intrigued by the baby's health? Every baby has a meat shape, and every meat shape is different, and that early in life the meat shape is developing so rapidly and changing so rapidly that WHAT DOES IT MATTER????

What's making this strike home for me so soundly, is that the comment which instigated this was a "friend's" Facebook status. I'm generally pretty picky about who I accept a Facebook friendship with, but lately I've been seeing a lot of comments and posts which go to show me just how ignorant people are. It's not always in relation to Gender Politics, sometimes it's just Politics in general, or Religion... and what I'm struggling with is this:

Do I stay "friends" with these people, knowing their Facebook updates generally do nothing but infuriate me? Generally the people making these comments I only ever talk to on Facebook, so "unfriending" them would be essentially cutting them out of my life completely. Some are family, some are simply childhood friends where we've grown apart...

Ok, after all of that venting, I know the answer. Pick your battles. And the internet is not the proper place for it. I don't want to turn into this person:

Word to the Wise

I just really like this poster I found online.

IDAHO and the Invisible Queer

This past Thursday was IDAHO: International Day Against HOmophobia and Transphobia. The Transphobia part was kind of just stuck on there as an after thought, as it so often seems to be. It doesn't *quite* fit into the nice acronym, does it?

As I dressed for work that morning, I got thinking: What can I wear today to show my queer support and queerness? I've recently started a new position at work, and dress and deportment calls for business casual, and I'm already dressing quite androgynous. I have a few blatantly queer t-shirts, but t-shirts are inappropriate for work, so they're hidden under buttoned-up collared shirts. BORING!!! So I wore what I always wore, and left for work hoping to see some spark in the day of Queer Support.

I spent all day watching, and saw nothing. At which time I realized, I am the Invisible Queer. While I may not be specifically closeted, I'm also not out. How did this happen? I used to be quite militant about my orientation, but now that I accept my gender as queer, I've once again become invisible. I've spent the past few days considering this, and it turns out I'm a big chicken.

I'll fully own my priviledges for this one: I'm white, which gives me a definite advantage in Canada (despite what the "officials" say), and I'm relatively well off. It's taken me a long time to accept I'm fairly well off, but after buying a house and realizing all the bills can be covered off of one income, and my spouse's income simply provides food and pays for the renovations, well- we're doing pretty well. I've come a long way in the past 10 years, financially speaking. And lastly, my relationship is hetero-conforming. I'm FAAB, and my spouse is male. He's one of those rare CIS men who actually cares about social issues. I still have a difficult time accepting him for how awesome he is, but he reassures me he accepts and loves me for how flawed I am.

And so, I'm a big giant chicken. I know I've got life pretty easy. I've recently read a GREAT blog post about how to explain priviledge to those who have it: All in terms of Video Game settings, and realized that while I may not be at the TOP of the Easy Settings, I'm pretty damn close. So at this stage of the game, why rock the boat? Why try to make life for myself (and now my Husband, since he's partnered in to my crazy life) more difficult? Is it wrong of me to get wrapped up in our home renovations and projects at work and this great book I'm reading and simply live my life without needing to constantly defend or explain my queer status, because I'm too afraid to make any sort of issue out of it?

But then the guilt kicks in. I read blogs such as Tranarchism by Asher which this past month has shared post after post after post showing just how priviledged I am. And for no other reason than a fluke of my birth and a bit of invisibility. And Theirs is not the only blog which reminds me of this (although it is the most unapologetic and militant of the ones I read).

So I live with this guilt feeling not queer enough. I'm not prepared to embark on surgery or hormone treatment, because after researching and considering it, at this time I know it's not a part of my identity. I don't want/need it. Ok: Top surgery would be kinda cool, but I'm content with binding. While I feel dysphoric in my own body, I can't justify drastic measures such as surgery or hormones at this time. And so I feel not Trans enough to try to claim this little section of community. I'm FAAB, married to a MAAB CIS man, so I'm not "queer" enough to claim the Gay/Lesbian/Queer section of the community. I feel an outcast looking in, as I don't have the courage to make such drastic changes to this body that doesn't quite fit me, nor do I have the courage to try explaining my gender and coming out at work.

I'm the Invisible Queer, perhaps better fit in the "Ally" category, but knowing that's not quite right either.

Repost- Some thoughts from Eli

Life has been busy lately, and my blog has suffered because of it. This blog where I vent my thoughts on my identity. Gender issues, sexuality issues, tattoo ideas and thoughts (got a post brewing about tattoos... we'll get to that...) somehow just haven't been the top of my brain lately.
While neglecting my own blog, I've been reading the thoughts of others. One of my favourites has become My Life With Tits by Eli; nd the most recent blog post is one which has shaken me out of my bloggy laziness in that I feel it needs to be shared. In fact, I think everyone needs to read it, and truly consider what it means.
And so, I'm stealing that post. Ok, it's not stealing because I asked permission first, and fully give credit to Eli for the following words. Read and consider wisely my friends:

******************

Where Did This Soapbox Come From?

Everyday I come out to more people and it gets easier. I talk about top surgery at work openly and have little fear of anyone’s response. This is mostly due to the fact that upper management has made it clear they have my back. This confidence also comes from the overwhelming support I have gotten from my friends.
I’m really fucking excited for the surgery, and appreciate the fortunate spot I find myself in: not only can I afford it, but also I have had great help from my therapist and loved ones learning how to accept my trans identity. Lots of people don’t have this. Most of you know the stats, but I am going to repeat them here for those of you who don’t. According to “Injustice at Every Turn: A Report of the National Transgender Discrimination Survey,” by the National Center for Transgender Equality:
“Ninety percent of transgender and gender nonconforming people report harassment, discrimination and mistreatment on the job, and the injustices they face have devastating economic and personal consequences.”
“A staggering 41 percent of the more than 6,400 respondents said they had attempted suicide, compared to a rate of 1.6 percent for the general population.”
“One in five transgender people in the U.S. have been refused a home or apartment, and more than one in ten have been evicted, because of their gender identity.”
“78% of respondents who were out as trans while in K-12 school indicated that they had been harassed on the basis of their gender identity, with over one-third (35%) reporting that the harassment escalated to physical assault. The abuse could be so severe that it resulted in almost one-sixth (15%) leaving school to escape. Those who are able to persevere had significantly lower GPAs, were more likely to miss school out of concern for their safety, and were less likely to plan on continuing their education, according to data from GLSEN2. Perhaps most alarmingly, 51% of NCTE survey respondents who had been bullied reported attempting suicide.”
This study is comprehensive and respected and the first to have such a large pool of respondents in the trans community. And it’s ugly and we all have to take responsibility for changing the lives of transgendered individuals. This isn’t about tolerance anymore, it’s a matter of acceptance, because, of course, when one claims to be “tolerating” another, it is really intolerance that is occurring. Could you ever look another person in the eye and say to them sweetly, “Oh darling, of course you are welcome here. I am tolerating you.” We tolerate things we dislike but can’t change. We don’t tolerate those whose essential humanity we recognize as the same as our own.
Martin Luther King Jr. said, “Never, never be afraid to do what’s right, especially if the well-being of a person or animal is at stake. Society’s punishments are small compared to the wounds we inflict on our soul when we look the other way.” And that is the bottom line here: what we do to the least of each other we do to ourselves. When we don’t take up the plights of the minority even those of us in the majority are injured. And if we cannot be moved to action to save ourselves, then we are no race worth saving.
Ok. I’m done preaching. Let me get back to speaking for myself. I’m fucking angry that these stats reflect reality for a population I consider my people. I’m fucking angry that this shit is common. I am mad our stories usually end with a murder.
I am with them in Rockland.
I am reading new stories everyday. Ones like this, and this, and this.
What can I do? I can tell everyone I know I’m a trans dude, and that’s a start.

A Rose by Any Other Name

Names are important things. They are generally the first thing we tell others about ourself. They give us a sense of identity and individuality. Ever work at a place that has multiple people with the same name? Or with the same name as you? Watch as everyone tries to retain their own name, while making it unique enough to discern who is who.

I've known a lot of people who have gone through name changes (some legal, some just as "nicknames"), and everyone does it for different reasons. Each name change is unique and personal. Technically I could include just about every marriage I know of in this category even (or at least half of my married friends... stupid patriarchy). Some people change their name early in life, as soon as they can apply for it without a gaurdian/parent's permission. Others wait until later in life. Whatever the reasons, names change.

My own name has changed, although not for the reasons most guess. Legal name changes are common in the trans* world, because names, just as much as clothing, are categorized into "male" or "female." Sure there are some "unisex" names, just as there are some unisex t-shirts out there, but even if the tag claims it's unisex, we all know that society still interprets it to be either "male" or "female." My legal name change has nothing to do with my gender. Well, actually that's not entirely true, as my legal name change was a result of me not wanting to take my spouse's name at our wedding...

Thomas (my latest internet name) was my surname, and actually has been since birth. When I was 17, I joined the military and it became more of how I was known than my first name. As I became friends with the guys in my unit, many of them simply called me Tommy when we weren't on official business. They really didn't care that I was female, they simply cared if I could do the job. Strange as it seems, my time with the Canadian military was when I saw the most and the least differences in how men and women were treated. And a large part of that was how the women approached their own gender. I didn't want or expect special treatment. I wanted to be one of the guys. I wanted to be held to the same standards they held themselves. And so my detatchment (the team of 7 I worked in), ignored the fact that I was female, and simply treated me as a teammate.

After I got out of the military, I began performing as a drag king in the Vancouver scene. My drag identity became how I was known to many of my new friends in the queer community. And you guessed it, Tommy stuck around. My given name is extremely feminine. I have never heard of a masculine version of it, so I simply adopted my masculine surname as my name.

Flash forward a few years, and I'm getting married. My spouse is the most amazing man I've ever met. I explain that I can't give up Thomas as my surname, due to my own personal history with it (sure one could argue I got it only out of patriarchy in the first place, from my father, but I've claimed it as my own through my own personal history). I would rather give up my given name than give up Thomas. I've fallen out of touch with most of my old army buddies, and I've gotten out of the drag king scene because the petty soap opera drama was too much for me, so nobody calls me Tommy or Thomas anymore, but I can't give it up. I cannot simply take my spouse's last name.

But I can't ask  him to give up his name for me. That's not fair. I refuse to ask him to do anything I'm unwilling to do. And we wanted to show that WE are together, a family, a partnership, all that lovey dovey commitment stuff that goes along with a marriage. So we were at an impasse. I can't give up Thomas, I can't ask him to give up his surname to take mine.

And thus the legal name change. We hyphenated. In Canada, with a marriage, you can legally take your spouse's name (the law is gender neutral, so he could've taken mine), or you can keep your existing name. That's it. In order to hyphenate it requires a legal name change. So we did. We both took each other's name, and now we "match."

But I still identify most with Thomas, the surname I had at birth.

And just because most of you don't know- Rose is one of my names given to me at birth. By far my least favourite, but as my given names were a gift from my grandmother, I can't justify changing them. I'll just stick with going by Thomas online, and my first initial in real life. So now you're in on the joke of the title of this post- this Rose is still technically called Rose....

Have you ever considered or had a name change? What inspired you to choose the name you did?