In search of improving my allyship

So, I'm amazed at how much hate there is in the world, and the need for some to force it on others.
I've been following the reaction of Leelah Alcorn's suicide. And the need for some from the religious right to seek out queer safe spaces and spew their hatred astounds me.
Or the comments on an article in B*tch magazine on how transgender and gender non-conforming teens interact with fashion. And the first comment is one bemoaning the fact that it isn't an article about women-born-women.
I know why the different opinions literally can't see the reason of the other opinions. And I'm not saying I could bridge that gap (I'm far too emotional to present a rational discussion in terms both sides would understand).
What I'm amazed by is the need for one group to seek out and attack the safe spaces of the minority group. Feminists picking on transgender teens. Christians picking on feminists. Christians picking on queer allies. It breaks my heart, and angers me at the same time.
I wish there was more I could do to protect these trans* teens from the ugliness of the world, but I don't feel qualified. I'm not trans*, and I don't want my presence to be seen as appropriating or invalidating trans* spaces. And there's the rub. I've read up on the issue enough through researching my own gender identity issues to know that safe spaces are invaluable, and while trans* folks need allies, it's not my place to speak for them or act for them.
So where is the balance? How do I not invalidate or appropriate while offering support?

I prefer Whipped Cream

When it comes to dessert toppings, my favourite is whipped cream. I'm really not a fan of ice cream at all, and especially not as a topping to pie. I know, to publicly state that I don't like ice cream makes me a bit of a pariah, especially this time of year when we're all looking for ways to cool off. But there, I've said it.

And how does that make you feel? Knowing my dessert preferences are out of the norm? For the most part, people look at me a bit bewildered, but then accept it and carry on. After all, that leaves more ice cream for them, right?

So why is it there is an entire movement trying to scientifically, genetically prove (or disprove) varying sexual orientations and gender identities?

We could get into WHY I don't like ice cream. Maybe it was a childhood trauma (brain freeze resulting in a tantrum which knocked my high chair back- bashing my skull into the brick chimney). Maybe I have a genetic predisposition against dairy (too much makes my tummy hurt- but thats not true of all dairy). Or it could be my sensitive teeth make ice cream painful. Or I could just not like the taste of frozen cream. Who knows, because nobody is challenging my very right to exist on my lack of interest in ice cream.

And yet the LGBT* community faces this ALL THE TIME.

Know what? I don't care WHY I'm queer. I just know that I am. Isn't that enough to warrant just as much of a right to happiness and self expression as the next person?

IDAHO and the Invisible Queer

This past Thursday was IDAHO: International Day Against HOmophobia and Transphobia. The Transphobia part was kind of just stuck on there as an after thought, as it so often seems to be. It doesn't *quite* fit into the nice acronym, does it?

As I dressed for work that morning, I got thinking: What can I wear today to show my queer support and queerness? I've recently started a new position at work, and dress and deportment calls for business casual, and I'm already dressing quite androgynous. I have a few blatantly queer t-shirts, but t-shirts are inappropriate for work, so they're hidden under buttoned-up collared shirts. BORING!!! So I wore what I always wore, and left for work hoping to see some spark in the day of Queer Support.

I spent all day watching, and saw nothing. At which time I realized, I am the Invisible Queer. While I may not be specifically closeted, I'm also not out. How did this happen? I used to be quite militant about my orientation, but now that I accept my gender as queer, I've once again become invisible. I've spent the past few days considering this, and it turns out I'm a big chicken.

I'll fully own my priviledges for this one: I'm white, which gives me a definite advantage in Canada (despite what the "officials" say), and I'm relatively well off. It's taken me a long time to accept I'm fairly well off, but after buying a house and realizing all the bills can be covered off of one income, and my spouse's income simply provides food and pays for the renovations, well- we're doing pretty well. I've come a long way in the past 10 years, financially speaking. And lastly, my relationship is hetero-conforming. I'm FAAB, and my spouse is male. He's one of those rare CIS men who actually cares about social issues. I still have a difficult time accepting him for how awesome he is, but he reassures me he accepts and loves me for how flawed I am.

And so, I'm a big giant chicken. I know I've got life pretty easy. I've recently read a GREAT blog post about how to explain priviledge to those who have it: All in terms of Video Game settings, and realized that while I may not be at the TOP of the Easy Settings, I'm pretty damn close. So at this stage of the game, why rock the boat? Why try to make life for myself (and now my Husband, since he's partnered in to my crazy life) more difficult? Is it wrong of me to get wrapped up in our home renovations and projects at work and this great book I'm reading and simply live my life without needing to constantly defend or explain my queer status, because I'm too afraid to make any sort of issue out of it?

But then the guilt kicks in. I read blogs such as Tranarchism by Asher which this past month has shared post after post after post showing just how priviledged I am. And for no other reason than a fluke of my birth and a bit of invisibility. And Theirs is not the only blog which reminds me of this (although it is the most unapologetic and militant of the ones I read).

So I live with this guilt feeling not queer enough. I'm not prepared to embark on surgery or hormone treatment, because after researching and considering it, at this time I know it's not a part of my identity. I don't want/need it. Ok: Top surgery would be kinda cool, but I'm content with binding. While I feel dysphoric in my own body, I can't justify drastic measures such as surgery or hormones at this time. And so I feel not Trans enough to try to claim this little section of community. I'm FAAB, married to a MAAB CIS man, so I'm not "queer" enough to claim the Gay/Lesbian/Queer section of the community. I feel an outcast looking in, as I don't have the courage to make such drastic changes to this body that doesn't quite fit me, nor do I have the courage to try explaining my gender and coming out at work.

I'm the Invisible Queer, perhaps better fit in the "Ally" category, but knowing that's not quite right either.

Repost- Some thoughts from Eli

Life has been busy lately, and my blog has suffered because of it. This blog where I vent my thoughts on my identity. Gender issues, sexuality issues, tattoo ideas and thoughts (got a post brewing about tattoos... we'll get to that...) somehow just haven't been the top of my brain lately.
While neglecting my own blog, I've been reading the thoughts of others. One of my favourites has become My Life With Tits by Eli; nd the most recent blog post is one which has shaken me out of my bloggy laziness in that I feel it needs to be shared. In fact, I think everyone needs to read it, and truly consider what it means.
And so, I'm stealing that post. Ok, it's not stealing because I asked permission first, and fully give credit to Eli for the following words. Read and consider wisely my friends:

******************

Where Did This Soapbox Come From?

Everyday I come out to more people and it gets easier. I talk about top surgery at work openly and have little fear of anyone’s response. This is mostly due to the fact that upper management has made it clear they have my back. This confidence also comes from the overwhelming support I have gotten from my friends.
I’m really fucking excited for the surgery, and appreciate the fortunate spot I find myself in: not only can I afford it, but also I have had great help from my therapist and loved ones learning how to accept my trans identity. Lots of people don’t have this. Most of you know the stats, but I am going to repeat them here for those of you who don’t. According to “Injustice at Every Turn: A Report of the National Transgender Discrimination Survey,” by the National Center for Transgender Equality:
“Ninety percent of transgender and gender nonconforming people report harassment, discrimination and mistreatment on the job, and the injustices they face have devastating economic and personal consequences.”
“A staggering 41 percent of the more than 6,400 respondents said they had attempted suicide, compared to a rate of 1.6 percent for the general population.”
“One in five transgender people in the U.S. have been refused a home or apartment, and more than one in ten have been evicted, because of their gender identity.”
“78% of respondents who were out as trans while in K-12 school indicated that they had been harassed on the basis of their gender identity, with over one-third (35%) reporting that the harassment escalated to physical assault. The abuse could be so severe that it resulted in almost one-sixth (15%) leaving school to escape. Those who are able to persevere had significantly lower GPAs, were more likely to miss school out of concern for their safety, and were less likely to plan on continuing their education, according to data from GLSEN2. Perhaps most alarmingly, 51% of NCTE survey respondents who had been bullied reported attempting suicide.”
This study is comprehensive and respected and the first to have such a large pool of respondents in the trans community. And it’s ugly and we all have to take responsibility for changing the lives of transgendered individuals. This isn’t about tolerance anymore, it’s a matter of acceptance, because, of course, when one claims to be “tolerating” another, it is really intolerance that is occurring. Could you ever look another person in the eye and say to them sweetly, “Oh darling, of course you are welcome here. I am tolerating you.” We tolerate things we dislike but can’t change. We don’t tolerate those whose essential humanity we recognize as the same as our own.
Martin Luther King Jr. said, “Never, never be afraid to do what’s right, especially if the well-being of a person or animal is at stake. Society’s punishments are small compared to the wounds we inflict on our soul when we look the other way.” And that is the bottom line here: what we do to the least of each other we do to ourselves. When we don’t take up the plights of the minority even those of us in the majority are injured. And if we cannot be moved to action to save ourselves, then we are no race worth saving.
Ok. I’m done preaching. Let me get back to speaking for myself. I’m fucking angry that these stats reflect reality for a population I consider my people. I’m fucking angry that this shit is common. I am mad our stories usually end with a murder.
I am with them in Rockland.
I am reading new stories everyday. Ones like this, and this, and this.
What can I do? I can tell everyone I know I’m a trans dude, and that’s a start.

My response to a Pastor's thoughts on Gay Pride

I've recently read an old blog post written by a Baptist pastor on homosexuality, and it struck a chord with me. The pastor was writing about his experiences during an outreach he did to the local gay community during their Pride festival in handing out bottled water to hot, thirsty celebrants. You can find the full story here.

In other posts he has made, he clearly states that he believes that sexual acts outside of the traditional male/female marriage is completely outside of God's will. Yet in his blog about handing out water, he laments when a woman asks him if his church is "pro-gay" or "anti-gay." He has no answer, as he has already stated he believes God is anti-gay, therefore his church (as he is a church-planter, so someone who founded the church) is anti-gay. The blog post is an after-thought, how he should have answered that question.

I was left feeling extremely unsettled by his well-thought out approach to the divide between the Christian church and the Queer community. His entire argument that "I don’t think I even know what gay fully means but I do know this: there are infinitely more important things about you than who you’re attracted to. I reject the idea in our culture that who we are is intrinsically tied to what we do with our genitals, and who we do it with" completely negates the entire Queer movement for recognition and respect for queer identities. It's true- there is much more to us than our sexual orientation- regardless of if you're straight, gay, bi, queer, asexual, or any other number of identities. And yet I know from my experienes (not being straight)- I'd at least like to have my sexual orientation and gender identity recognized and respected. For some it's a constant battle against homophobia and transphobia. The Pride celebration, while it may not be as politically motivated as the StoneWall Riots, is still a political movement for visibility and acceptance.

He tries to diminish the queer experience by saying "There are more important things about who you are than how you feel about penises." Very easy to say when your identity and feelings towards penises isn't the subject of debate, ridicule, political scrutiny, religious scrutiny, and fear. It's easy to dismiss a person's sexual orientation when speaking out of a place of privilege, isn't it? It's easy to look at something like a Pride celebration and say that really, there's more to you as a person, so why is all of this necessary, when your own identity has never been questioned. When you've never felt the fear of coming out of the closet to those you love. When you've never felt the judgement of hearing insults yelled at you while you walk down the street holding the hand of your partner. Of walking into a restaraunt and being refused service based on the company you are with and that it's clearly a date.

What frightens me most about this pastor's thoughts is that I question his motivations for reaching out to the queer community. Sure, Christ calls on his followers to act in love, treat others as they want to be treated, etc, yet this man is a church planter. His entire mission is to start and grow a church community. Yes, he is claiming he is merely trying to bridge the divide between the church and the queers, but to what end? Is he simply putting a kinder, gentler face on assimilation and destruction of queer identities? In his attempt to show us love, will he also show acceptance? Or will he show love by trying to "fix" us? His inability to truly support homosexuality by not being able to clearly state: "YES, we are a pro-gay church," makes me question all of his motives.