In search of improving my allyship

So, I'm amazed at how much hate there is in the world, and the need for some to force it on others.
I've been following the reaction of Leelah Alcorn's suicide. And the need for some from the religious right to seek out queer safe spaces and spew their hatred astounds me.
Or the comments on an article in B*tch magazine on how transgender and gender non-conforming teens interact with fashion. And the first comment is one bemoaning the fact that it isn't an article about women-born-women.
I know why the different opinions literally can't see the reason of the other opinions. And I'm not saying I could bridge that gap (I'm far too emotional to present a rational discussion in terms both sides would understand).
What I'm amazed by is the need for one group to seek out and attack the safe spaces of the minority group. Feminists picking on transgender teens. Christians picking on feminists. Christians picking on queer allies. It breaks my heart, and angers me at the same time.
I wish there was more I could do to protect these trans* teens from the ugliness of the world, but I don't feel qualified. I'm not trans*, and I don't want my presence to be seen as appropriating or invalidating trans* spaces. And there's the rub. I've read up on the issue enough through researching my own gender identity issues to know that safe spaces are invaluable, and while trans* folks need allies, it's not my place to speak for them or act for them.
So where is the balance? How do I not invalidate or appropriate while offering support?

Observation of the day

A few weeks ago I painted my nails a beautiful dark sparkly blue colour. And it drove me nuts. Every time I caught sight of my nails, it irritated me. My hands weren't my own.

Right now it is Movember- a month where men grow mustaches to raise awareness and funds for prostate cancer. I don't have the genetics to grow a mustache, so I'm improvising: I'm wearing a fake mustache every day this month to support our company team. And when I catch my reflection in the mirror, it doesn't faze me.

I know it can be argued (and has been) that nail polish is not just for girls, and facial hair is not just for men. But these things are still predominantly perceived as "gender indicators" to society at large: you know, the things that trumpet to the world around you what your gender is. 

And my dysphoria rears it's head when I see nail polish, but not a mustache on myself.

Standards

I grew up socialized to be female. I was incredibly uncomfortable with this. Sure, I enjoyed playing dress up and wearing skirts and make up, but every once in a while I also wanted a nice suit, and I was never interested in playing with dolls or playing house. I'd rather be out in the mud playing with trucks. Let me tell you, there was hell to pay when I first shaved my head, as "Girls are supposed to have long hair." And then when my high school sweetheart dumped me, I got the "well, what do you expect? Boys want girls who act like girls." Fast forward a few years, when I've moved out and am going to college. Dating different girls, and one dumps me for not being "femme" enough. What the heck? Even in the lesbian community, there are rules and standards for how "girly" I'm supposed to be?

Why are there so many rules about what makes a "real" woman, or a "real" man?

And how do we establish these rules? WHY do we establish them?

Everyone likes to blame "society" and "culture" while thinking that this takes the blame off of them personally. Everyone is the victim, no one is the perpetrator. But then- who makes up society? Who determines culture? Doesn't everyone contribute, as well as suffer from it?

Quite recently, I've had two friends have children. These friends don't know each other, and their children were born within weeks of each other. One had a boy. One had a girl. It's AMAZING the differences I see in my Facebook news feed for how they describe their children. It starts right on the first day when they announced their "beautiful baby girl" or "strong baby boy." You can't even find baby socks that don't have SOME indication of gender inferred on them, such as princesses and butterflies, and dinosaurs and monster trucks. Really? Even our socks need to reinforce gender stereotypes.

A few years ago while taking a Gender Studies course, I watched the documentary Tough Guise. I have to say, for me at the time, it was extremely eye opening. Because of my socialization as a female, I knew all of the ways which femininity was crammed down my throat regardless of how well it fit. I had never considered it was just as bad for boys. I saw this before I even could even begin to formulate the possibility of being transgender. Once I realized that "the other side" (if you buy into the binary gender-system hooey) has just as many pressures to be who they aren't, I began to wish for a space outside. Where neither label exists. Where I don't need to live up to what it takes to be a "real man" or a "real woman."

Next time you greet a baby, consider how your words, and even your tone of voice, are reinforcing to this child what is and isn't acceptable. Consider the many ways you reinforce that girls are "beautiful" "soft" and "a princess" and that boys are "strong" "brave" and the "knight." You might be surprised at just how much you contribute to the many unrealistic expectations put on both men and women.

Germany's "Indeterminate" sex category

There has been a lot of media attention paid to the fact that Germany has recently allowed for a third option on their birth certificates: Male, Female, and Indeterminate. One of the best articles I've read can be found here, as it offers a fairly balanced view of the changes.

Historically, babies born with atypical sex organs undergo "normalizing" surgery within the first few days after birth, so that the parents may check off either M or F on the birth registration. According to some stats I've found (which... I'll be honest... it's internet research, so take it with a grain of salt), approximately 1.5% of the population is born with "atypical" sex organs. Germany's move to creating a third option allows parents to take time and NOT force their baby to undergo normalizing surgery and potential hormone treatment in order to force their baby into one of the two recognized categories. By the way, if you're one of those parents who is morally outraged by the traditional practice of circumcision, you really ought to educate yourself on this one too... if a baby's penis is "too small" doctors will surgically remove it entirely, and construct a vagina instead. If a baby has both sex organs, often the penis and testicles will be surgically removed. Sometimes, parents aren't even aware of this until after the fact.

What I find incredible is that even with this seemingly progressive step of recognizing that not all babies are born with distinct male or female genitalia (or sometimes both), it is still creating life-altering repercussions based on genitalia. What's between your legs is trumpeted to the entire world as the defining characteristic of what makes you YOU. The intention for German babies is that now parents can wait until the child is old enough to make the selection for themselves and a new "X" category is planned for German passports to allow these people to decide to stay as "indeterminate."

One of the criticisms of this is that it  doesn't go far enough to protect these individuals. It forces them to be "out" as "atypical" and yet there are no additional non-discrimination laws for intersex individuals. It also doesn't  prevent the "normalizing" surgeries, which was the intent of the change in the first place. Imagine you have just had a baby. You've spent 9 months wondering the age old question: Boy or Girl? And the doctor announces "I don't know." How would you feel? While "normalizing" surgery isn't required in order to register within the allotted time as either M or F anymore, doctors may still be recommending it, and you may see it as the "safer" option to prevent your child from growing up with the stigma of being "other." We all want what's best for our  children, and that includes knowing they are accepted and included by their peers. Will new parents be fully aware of their options?

But my biggest question is; why are we still selecting this at birth based on genitalia in the first place? If Germany is willing to let babies with atypical sex organs grow up as neutral, why not take it one step further and allow all babies the option? Extend the same courtesy to all people instead of allowing this "othering" to continue for intersex folks. If nobody was assigned a gender at birth, but instead was allowed to grow up and announce it for themselves, imagine what kind of society it would be. There would be no need for normalizing surgeries, or for additional legislation to protect children who have been declared as "indeterminate." Children could be raised without the socially constructed gender stereotypes thrust on them by a doctor's announcement after looking between their legs.

Now THAT'S the type of world I'd like to live in.

Intersections

A few weeks ago my spouse and I were interviewed for a local newspaper.

Full story HERE

As you can see, this article has absolutely nothing to do with gender. It's focused on one aspect of our lives: our toy collection.

The reporter was very polite (although clearly out of his element when talking to giant toy nerds), and we spent a lovely hour or so chatting with him about our collections, and why we collect. He took a few photos, thanked us for our time, and left.

During it all, I wanted to politely ask him to write the article in such a way that used gender neutral language for me. Somehow, throughout the entire process of geeking out over toys, all I could think about was that this public snippet of my life was about to go out into the world, and I KNEW there would be female pronouns used. That knowledge actually caused me quite a bit of stress and internal turmoil.

I never did work up the courage to ask him. After all, that wasn't the can of worms he was here to talk to me about, was it? And did I really want to out myself to this complete stranger? How on earth would I explain it to him? And I live in one of the more progressive cities in the world. Our local university recently renovated to have gender neutral washrooms available for crying out loud, and weathered the controversy and conversations around it very well.

But you see, my gender isn't compartmentalized, that it only affects certain aspects of who I am. And I'm betting your gender isn't either. It's not a part of who I am, it is a foundational block for who I am.

 My gender runs through my entire life, intersecting with every other aspect of it.

Not enough

Pin available on Etsy

I don't identify as trans*. I'm not transitioning any more or less than any other human in this world who grows, evolves, changes, and learns throughout their life. And yet, this has made me feel as though my voice is irrelevant when it comes to discussions on gender identity. After all, I'm biologically female, I still accept female pronouns because I'm not up for dealing with the hassle of convincing everyone to use gender neutral ones for me, and I'm not looking into hormone treatment or surgeries. They aren't the path for me. So I'm basically a girl, right? I mean, I can still access all of the privilege that comes with being perceived as the gender I was assigned at birth, and in trans* communities, I'm often regarded as not trans* enough.

Yet recently, as I've been browsing the blogosphere, I've noticed something missing. I follow a lot of blogs for transgender and gender variant individuals or their family. And yet out of all the ones I come across and read, every single one that deals with gender identity issues is the perspective of someone who is medically and/or socially transitioning in some way shape or form within the binary as a way to reach a more gender-neutral, or truly binary transgender life. There was a great post on Neutrois Nonsense recently which really hit home for me, and the comments made by readers really opened my eyes to something.

What about those of us who identify as genderqueer, and yet aren't taking any medical or social steps to change our gender? Where is our voice in this great big world? I commented on that blog post that there aren't many voices out there for those of us who don't identify within the binary, and yet are content living our life as is. I found it to be a big challenge to know that of all the many gender-variant blogs and websites I browse, I only rarely get a quick glimpse of others in the same boat as myself on Genderfork.

Ok, this blog has pretty much dropped off of my radar since I wrapped up my 365 project. I didn't know what else to say, and really, I'm not very good at updating regularly. I think that became pretty clear during the 365 itself. But I think I've found this blog's purpose. The reason there aren't that many blogs or narratives out there for the gender variant folks like me is because none of us have spoken up. It's just as much my fault as it is everyone else's. I can't lay the blame on everyone else's feet without getting mud on my own shoes.

I prefer Whipped Cream

When it comes to dessert toppings, my favourite is whipped cream. I'm really not a fan of ice cream at all, and especially not as a topping to pie. I know, to publicly state that I don't like ice cream makes me a bit of a pariah, especially this time of year when we're all looking for ways to cool off. But there, I've said it.

And how does that make you feel? Knowing my dessert preferences are out of the norm? For the most part, people look at me a bit bewildered, but then accept it and carry on. After all, that leaves more ice cream for them, right?

So why is it there is an entire movement trying to scientifically, genetically prove (or disprove) varying sexual orientations and gender identities?

We could get into WHY I don't like ice cream. Maybe it was a childhood trauma (brain freeze resulting in a tantrum which knocked my high chair back- bashing my skull into the brick chimney). Maybe I have a genetic predisposition against dairy (too much makes my tummy hurt- but thats not true of all dairy). Or it could be my sensitive teeth make ice cream painful. Or I could just not like the taste of frozen cream. Who knows, because nobody is challenging my very right to exist on my lack of interest in ice cream.

And yet the LGBT* community faces this ALL THE TIME.

Know what? I don't care WHY I'm queer. I just know that I am. Isn't that enough to warrant just as much of a right to happiness and self expression as the next person?

Genderfree #4

Well folks, another week has gone by (where did it go, by the way?), so I guess it's time for another



For some reason our culture is obsessed with body hair. Where it's acceptable, and where it isn't. It's also obsessed with the fact that how you remove that hair must conform with your gender (because each gender is required to groom different areas in order to be accepted).

So for this week, I challenge you to find me gender neutral razor. You know, something you can shave with- be it your face, your legs, your pits... doesn't matter.



Genderfree Challenge #3

Apparently Stat holidays totally screw up my internal clock. I meant to post this yesterday (Monday), but because of the stat holiday for Canada Day giving me yesterday off of work, I completely forgot it was Monday. Go figure.

This week's Genderfree Challenge: Deoderant.

No one wants their smell to be offensive. We all have different definitions of what that means though. Why do those definitions need to be aligned with our gender?



About a year ago, Hubby and I were shopping and we both needed to pick up deoderant. We were at Costco, and I couldn't find anything I liked there in "women's" deoderant. They were all over priced super "moisturizing" to reduce the irritation from shaving. I haven't shaved my arm pits in a few years, so I certainly don't want to spend extra money on deoderant with features I'll never make use of. Hubby says to me "why don't you just get this stuff?" (pointing to the same stuff he buys).

It was like a bomb went off in my head. I hadn't even considered it a possibility until that moment. Our society has me so brainwashed that I couldn't even THINK of not using women's deoderant. I texted my buddy (a transgender man), and his response was "Honestly I'm surprised you hadn't switched already." As though this is everyday stuff for him. But for me, it was groundbreaking.

It was also awesome as it shows me just how amazing my Hubby actually is.

Oh- and as a complete side note- I find I'm less stinky since I stopped shaving my underarms. I rarely even use deoderant these days, and so far no one has complained. I find basic cleanliness works well at keeping the odours at a minimum.

Genderfree Challenge Week 2

When I originally posted the idea of a "gender free challenge," my goal was to challenge those who identify comfortably within the binary to take five minutes out of their day and live in my (and many other non-binary types) shoes. It was to help raise awareness of how many needlessly gendered items there are out there in society. But as this grew through Neutrois Nonsense's Tumblr, it got me thinking of how valuable of a resource this could become for other gender variant folks. Know of a brand of gender free adult vitamins? Great! Share it with the community! Know a store that has gender free adult vitamins available for sale? Great! Let the rest of us know, so we may shop there also.

And so, regardless of how you identify, I issue this week's Challenge!

This week, I challenge you to find a package of baby socks that is not labelled as "boys" or "girls." It's true that you can find packs with "neutral" colours in them (greens, yellows, etc), but even those generally tend to state on the tag that they are for boys or girls.



As with every challenge, I encourage you to come back and let me know how it was. Were you able to easily find them? If so, what store were you in? Tell me- what will you do if you ever hope to buy baby socks before the baby is born? Let's hope everyone tells you the gender as soon as they find out from an ultrasound!!! REALLY????? Speaking from personal experience, I think it's ridiculous, which is why a pack of baby socks is this week's Gender Free challenge!

Genderless Challenge #1

Once again a post on Facebook has inspired me to dust off my laptop and write in my blog. And my little brain being what it is has completely exploded with the possibilities. So I would like to issue a challenge to all of my Binary-identified friends (you comfortably fit into MALE or FEMALE), in an effort for you to get a glimmer into what it's like to not have that luxury. And as my brain has a tendency to "go big or go home," this will be the first in a series of "Non-gendered" challenges (until I run out of ideas basically).

If you identify in the non-binary spectrum, I encourage you to issue this same challenge to your friends and family.

So for this week:

When you're out picking up groceries (or at WalMart running errands), take an extra 5 minutes of your time for me. Head into the Vitamin aisle, and find yourself some non-gendered, age appropriate multi-vitamins. See how easy (or not) it is. How many options do you find?

Let me know how that turns out for you. And be sure to come back for next week's Genderless Challenge.

TV will be the death of me

I'm trying an experiment. I'm not sure how long this is going to last, or how well it's going to go.

I've realized how much time I spend sitting and watching TV. And that once I sit down to watch, I can't seem to find the willpower to stop. Part of me wants to cut our cable off altogether (save money AND free up my time), but my Hubby loves TV and is reasonable about his time with it. Somehow when he sits down to watch some TV with his lunch, he still finds the willpower to go back and spend another few hours on whatever project he was working on. Sadly, I am too lazy for that.

So I'm trying an experiment. I will not turn on the TV. And if Hubby is not in the room, I'm trying to find the willpower to turn off the TV too (he'll sit down to watch something, then leave the room leaving the TV on). We'll see if I can actually get more accomplished. I have a stack of books I've been meaning to read, and an art project I've been trying to work on, not to mention just basic housework chores. Oh, and then there's all the extra stuff I'm trying to do for work (new job is kicking the crap outta me).

I'm not killing my TV, but I'm certainly trying to ignore it. So please, ask me how it's going. Help me stay on track by asking where I'm at on all of the aforementioned projects. Maybe, just maybe I can get myself out of this lazy rut.

A Time and a Place

Lately I've been seeing things which upset- sometimes even anger me. Innocent comments which make me want to lash out with a snide comment trying to teach the original poster a lesson. Now, I know (sadly from experience) that this method actually solves nothing.

But I do need to vent a little and get some things off of my chest (Even though I'm sure I've said all of this before).

I tend to go through this any time someone announces that they're pregnant. Instantly people start asking/discussing the baby's "gender." There's reasons why this frustrates me so:

1. Gender and Sex are different. Gender is a complex sociological, psychological identity, and Sex is what biology assigns to you. Neither is binary, and the two are NOT intrinsically linked (although the vast majority of the population gets the privilege of having the two sync up).
 
2. Why is that the most important part of having a baby? Shouldn't we be more intrigued by the baby's health? Every baby has a meat shape, and every meat shape is different, and that early in life the meat shape is developing so rapidly and changing so rapidly that WHAT DOES IT MATTER????

What's making this strike home for me so soundly, is that the comment which instigated this was a "friend's" Facebook status. I'm generally pretty picky about who I accept a Facebook friendship with, but lately I've been seeing a lot of comments and posts which go to show me just how ignorant people are. It's not always in relation to Gender Politics, sometimes it's just Politics in general, or Religion... and what I'm struggling with is this:

Do I stay "friends" with these people, knowing their Facebook updates generally do nothing but infuriate me? Generally the people making these comments I only ever talk to on Facebook, so "unfriending" them would be essentially cutting them out of my life completely. Some are family, some are simply childhood friends where we've grown apart...

Ok, after all of that venting, I know the answer. Pick your battles. And the internet is not the proper place for it. I don't want to turn into this person:

Word to the Wise

I just really like this poster I found online.

IDAHO and the Invisible Queer

This past Thursday was IDAHO: International Day Against HOmophobia and Transphobia. The Transphobia part was kind of just stuck on there as an after thought, as it so often seems to be. It doesn't *quite* fit into the nice acronym, does it?

As I dressed for work that morning, I got thinking: What can I wear today to show my queer support and queerness? I've recently started a new position at work, and dress and deportment calls for business casual, and I'm already dressing quite androgynous. I have a few blatantly queer t-shirts, but t-shirts are inappropriate for work, so they're hidden under buttoned-up collared shirts. BORING!!! So I wore what I always wore, and left for work hoping to see some spark in the day of Queer Support.

I spent all day watching, and saw nothing. At which time I realized, I am the Invisible Queer. While I may not be specifically closeted, I'm also not out. How did this happen? I used to be quite militant about my orientation, but now that I accept my gender as queer, I've once again become invisible. I've spent the past few days considering this, and it turns out I'm a big chicken.

I'll fully own my priviledges for this one: I'm white, which gives me a definite advantage in Canada (despite what the "officials" say), and I'm relatively well off. It's taken me a long time to accept I'm fairly well off, but after buying a house and realizing all the bills can be covered off of one income, and my spouse's income simply provides food and pays for the renovations, well- we're doing pretty well. I've come a long way in the past 10 years, financially speaking. And lastly, my relationship is hetero-conforming. I'm FAAB, and my spouse is male. He's one of those rare CIS men who actually cares about social issues. I still have a difficult time accepting him for how awesome he is, but he reassures me he accepts and loves me for how flawed I am.

And so, I'm a big giant chicken. I know I've got life pretty easy. I've recently read a GREAT blog post about how to explain priviledge to those who have it: All in terms of Video Game settings, and realized that while I may not be at the TOP of the Easy Settings, I'm pretty damn close. So at this stage of the game, why rock the boat? Why try to make life for myself (and now my Husband, since he's partnered in to my crazy life) more difficult? Is it wrong of me to get wrapped up in our home renovations and projects at work and this great book I'm reading and simply live my life without needing to constantly defend or explain my queer status, because I'm too afraid to make any sort of issue out of it?

But then the guilt kicks in. I read blogs such as Tranarchism by Asher which this past month has shared post after post after post showing just how priviledged I am. And for no other reason than a fluke of my birth and a bit of invisibility. And Theirs is not the only blog which reminds me of this (although it is the most unapologetic and militant of the ones I read).

So I live with this guilt feeling not queer enough. I'm not prepared to embark on surgery or hormone treatment, because after researching and considering it, at this time I know it's not a part of my identity. I don't want/need it. Ok: Top surgery would be kinda cool, but I'm content with binding. While I feel dysphoric in my own body, I can't justify drastic measures such as surgery or hormones at this time. And so I feel not Trans enough to try to claim this little section of community. I'm FAAB, married to a MAAB CIS man, so I'm not "queer" enough to claim the Gay/Lesbian/Queer section of the community. I feel an outcast looking in, as I don't have the courage to make such drastic changes to this body that doesn't quite fit me, nor do I have the courage to try explaining my gender and coming out at work.

I'm the Invisible Queer, perhaps better fit in the "Ally" category, but knowing that's not quite right either.

Repost- Some thoughts from Eli

Life has been busy lately, and my blog has suffered because of it. This blog where I vent my thoughts on my identity. Gender issues, sexuality issues, tattoo ideas and thoughts (got a post brewing about tattoos... we'll get to that...) somehow just haven't been the top of my brain lately.
While neglecting my own blog, I've been reading the thoughts of others. One of my favourites has become My Life With Tits by Eli; nd the most recent blog post is one which has shaken me out of my bloggy laziness in that I feel it needs to be shared. In fact, I think everyone needs to read it, and truly consider what it means.
And so, I'm stealing that post. Ok, it's not stealing because I asked permission first, and fully give credit to Eli for the following words. Read and consider wisely my friends:

******************

Where Did This Soapbox Come From?

Everyday I come out to more people and it gets easier. I talk about top surgery at work openly and have little fear of anyone’s response. This is mostly due to the fact that upper management has made it clear they have my back. This confidence also comes from the overwhelming support I have gotten from my friends.
I’m really fucking excited for the surgery, and appreciate the fortunate spot I find myself in: not only can I afford it, but also I have had great help from my therapist and loved ones learning how to accept my trans identity. Lots of people don’t have this. Most of you know the stats, but I am going to repeat them here for those of you who don’t. According to “Injustice at Every Turn: A Report of the National Transgender Discrimination Survey,” by the National Center for Transgender Equality:
“Ninety percent of transgender and gender nonconforming people report harassment, discrimination and mistreatment on the job, and the injustices they face have devastating economic and personal consequences.”
“A staggering 41 percent of the more than 6,400 respondents said they had attempted suicide, compared to a rate of 1.6 percent for the general population.”
“One in five transgender people in the U.S. have been refused a home or apartment, and more than one in ten have been evicted, because of their gender identity.”
“78% of respondents who were out as trans while in K-12 school indicated that they had been harassed on the basis of their gender identity, with over one-third (35%) reporting that the harassment escalated to physical assault. The abuse could be so severe that it resulted in almost one-sixth (15%) leaving school to escape. Those who are able to persevere had significantly lower GPAs, were more likely to miss school out of concern for their safety, and were less likely to plan on continuing their education, according to data from GLSEN2. Perhaps most alarmingly, 51% of NCTE survey respondents who had been bullied reported attempting suicide.”
This study is comprehensive and respected and the first to have such a large pool of respondents in the trans community. And it’s ugly and we all have to take responsibility for changing the lives of transgendered individuals. This isn’t about tolerance anymore, it’s a matter of acceptance, because, of course, when one claims to be “tolerating” another, it is really intolerance that is occurring. Could you ever look another person in the eye and say to them sweetly, “Oh darling, of course you are welcome here. I am tolerating you.” We tolerate things we dislike but can’t change. We don’t tolerate those whose essential humanity we recognize as the same as our own.
Martin Luther King Jr. said, “Never, never be afraid to do what’s right, especially if the well-being of a person or animal is at stake. Society’s punishments are small compared to the wounds we inflict on our soul when we look the other way.” And that is the bottom line here: what we do to the least of each other we do to ourselves. When we don’t take up the plights of the minority even those of us in the majority are injured. And if we cannot be moved to action to save ourselves, then we are no race worth saving.
Ok. I’m done preaching. Let me get back to speaking for myself. I’m fucking angry that these stats reflect reality for a population I consider my people. I’m fucking angry that this shit is common. I am mad our stories usually end with a murder.
I am with them in Rockland.
I am reading new stories everyday. Ones like this, and this, and this.
What can I do? I can tell everyone I know I’m a trans dude, and that’s a start.

A Rose by Any Other Name

Names are important things. They are generally the first thing we tell others about ourself. They give us a sense of identity and individuality. Ever work at a place that has multiple people with the same name? Or with the same name as you? Watch as everyone tries to retain their own name, while making it unique enough to discern who is who.

I've known a lot of people who have gone through name changes (some legal, some just as "nicknames"), and everyone does it for different reasons. Each name change is unique and personal. Technically I could include just about every marriage I know of in this category even (or at least half of my married friends... stupid patriarchy). Some people change their name early in life, as soon as they can apply for it without a gaurdian/parent's permission. Others wait until later in life. Whatever the reasons, names change.

My own name has changed, although not for the reasons most guess. Legal name changes are common in the trans* world, because names, just as much as clothing, are categorized into "male" or "female." Sure there are some "unisex" names, just as there are some unisex t-shirts out there, but even if the tag claims it's unisex, we all know that society still interprets it to be either "male" or "female." My legal name change has nothing to do with my gender. Well, actually that's not entirely true, as my legal name change was a result of me not wanting to take my spouse's name at our wedding...

Thomas (my latest internet name) was my surname, and actually has been since birth. When I was 17, I joined the military and it became more of how I was known than my first name. As I became friends with the guys in my unit, many of them simply called me Tommy when we weren't on official business. They really didn't care that I was female, they simply cared if I could do the job. Strange as it seems, my time with the Canadian military was when I saw the most and the least differences in how men and women were treated. And a large part of that was how the women approached their own gender. I didn't want or expect special treatment. I wanted to be one of the guys. I wanted to be held to the same standards they held themselves. And so my detatchment (the team of 7 I worked in), ignored the fact that I was female, and simply treated me as a teammate.

After I got out of the military, I began performing as a drag king in the Vancouver scene. My drag identity became how I was known to many of my new friends in the queer community. And you guessed it, Tommy stuck around. My given name is extremely feminine. I have never heard of a masculine version of it, so I simply adopted my masculine surname as my name.

Flash forward a few years, and I'm getting married. My spouse is the most amazing man I've ever met. I explain that I can't give up Thomas as my surname, due to my own personal history with it (sure one could argue I got it only out of patriarchy in the first place, from my father, but I've claimed it as my own through my own personal history). I would rather give up my given name than give up Thomas. I've fallen out of touch with most of my old army buddies, and I've gotten out of the drag king scene because the petty soap opera drama was too much for me, so nobody calls me Tommy or Thomas anymore, but I can't give it up. I cannot simply take my spouse's last name.

But I can't ask  him to give up his name for me. That's not fair. I refuse to ask him to do anything I'm unwilling to do. And we wanted to show that WE are together, a family, a partnership, all that lovey dovey commitment stuff that goes along with a marriage. So we were at an impasse. I can't give up Thomas, I can't ask him to give up his surname to take mine.

And thus the legal name change. We hyphenated. In Canada, with a marriage, you can legally take your spouse's name (the law is gender neutral, so he could've taken mine), or you can keep your existing name. That's it. In order to hyphenate it requires a legal name change. So we did. We both took each other's name, and now we "match."

But I still identify most with Thomas, the surname I had at birth.

And just because most of you don't know- Rose is one of my names given to me at birth. By far my least favourite, but as my given names were a gift from my grandmother, I can't justify changing them. I'll just stick with going by Thomas online, and my first initial in real life. So now you're in on the joke of the title of this post- this Rose is still technically called Rose....

Have you ever considered or had a name change? What inspired you to choose the name you did?

Pronouns

I find it incredibly strange how much emphasis our society puts on gender. Specifically on which of the two gender boxes you fit in. Even when shopping, there are "men's clothing," and "women's clothing," but never just clothes. Does the cotton t-shirt self combust if worn on the wrong person? Do the pants suddenly disintegrate if the crotch they conceal is "wrong"?

Sure, some could argue that men and women are shaped differently. Women have boobs, men have pecs, etc; but is that always true? I know a few women who have absolutely no breasts, and a few men who do.  Really, this goes back to my earlier discussion an meat shapes. Everyone's meat shape is different.

Even our language is structured to reflect two and only two gender options (I found learning French to be even worse, as they blatantly gender-ize all objects into masculine and feminine for no good reason I can see). If you're worth discussing in English as a person, the pronoun options are he, she, and it. I personally don't find any of those options appealing. He and she just plain don't fit, and it is so demeaning and de-humanizing. And so the dilemma: do I stick with she (as the one I've heard all of my life) or do I try to find/create something more suitable.

Years of reading on the internet (thank god for technology), and I found myself learning that I am not alone. There are others like me who don't like the two accepted gender options. And they have a secret code of gender neutral pronouns. The problem is, they truly are a secret code: Xe, Xir, and an assortment of others which need constant explanation and defense in the real world. Sure, most genderqueer communities recognize them, but my day to day life isn't in a genderqueer community, and I really do not feel like trying to educate everyone at work. I just want to be treated equal, with no fuss made about my neutrois identity. I feel no need to explain myself to everyone I interact with.

I've always been drawn to the "singular they," but the language nerd in me rebels at that idea. They is not singular, and I am not multiple people. I need singular pronouns which reflect my gender neutral identity.

And then I found them. It was like a shockwave to the system. There is a movement to take they/their/them, and re-conjugate to make them singular. In walks ey, eir, and em into my life. And I was blown away. Finally I have found pronouns which I can identify with both in the gendered sense, and in. The fact that I'm an individual.

While I still feel no urge to explain myself to everyone I interact with, I would appreciate if here, on my little corner of the web, my identity is respected and proper pronouns used. If you know me in real life, and you choose to carry this into the real world as well, you will probably become one of my favourite people.

Taking this small step of publicly announcing it makes me giddy with excitement and nervous energy.

Survey Time

One of the awesome blogs I follow, Neutrois Nonsense, is asking for non-binary folks to fill out a brief survey on their experiences so that the blog master extraordinaire may build a site to help build the community, specifically with resources for those who wish to transition. Its difficult enough for trans folks to access the resources required for transition, even more so for non-binary trans* folks.

That blog has been pivotal in my own self acceptance and realization (along with learning that there is indeed a vocabulary for all the non gendered thoughts and concepts in my brain), so I encourage you to go check out eir blog.

And if you happen to also be non binary identified, I encourage you to fill out eir Survey.

Remember, community can only happen if we ourselves build and maintain it. So lets help build this so that we all may benefit from it.

Follow up

I read an op/ed piece which sums up what I was trying to say in my previous post much more eloquently than I could ever say it.

So Go read it!